Recuperate & Refill (poem)

a reclaiming of self poem inspired by the 4 of Cups tarot card

a collage-style piece of a nonbinary sun faerie

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So much weariness in such

a little changeling body—

already, at just the ripe age of six.

Fear of the unknown should’ve been

a phobia of a grown adult,

but at 72 months post-birth,

adult woes were mine for

the picking (never ever by choice).

To date, I have acquired all these

strawberries & lemons—

You’d think enough to make four heaping

cups of strawberry lemonade at least,

but no. Instead, there’s blood gone sour

on these hands from the jubilant self

I had to kill to get here

a l i v e—

and I want them back more than my childhood friend

that I still fondly love and will never forget

and the fake-gold locket a family friend

gifted me one Christmas way back when.

When all the other kids had leaning stacks

of capitalism on full display,

I wore that locket proudly,

arms free of shiny boxes to bear-hug her.

I want this self reminiscent of fae & sunrays in May

to ripen to full sweetness but recuperate pre-burst,

then maybe I can refill infinite golden cups

with strawberry-flavored ambrosia…

Maybe then, I can quench my thirst

for long lost self.